12.05.2007

Pillar of Fire









*Pillar of Fire*

I took time to show you my scars
Naively believing you’d love me despite them.
Then you took time
and made your own...

But even with you I suffered
A lack of wholeness-
A fragmentation -
Disintegration.

And I’m so much better without you.
It’s become a matter of survival.
The weight is lighter, I can breathe..
And I’m no longer afraid.

Your feet hurried to deceive
And sorrow was born in our haste-full hearts
My eyes held the things I wanted to see.
My eyes held lies for too long.

I was led through the dark with a pillar of fire
And I’m so much better without...

You were brutish with your knowledge -
Which left me confounded with your colors of fiction,
But they dulled & drowned in your deception,
And there is no breath left in them.

You were just a temporary muse -
An excuse to write a pretty poem.
But all the fires dead and tired,
And it seems your inspiration
Has turned to prostration.


And I try, but your presence leaves me ill
When you were the one worth leaving
& the god you think you’ve found
Is still your sorry self.

And I try to see your pain,
But it wont ever be enough
To watch the years fall
And send my well wishes...


...or hate you at all


but, still, I can't forgive myself

...or forget.

When all the while I carry a ten pound smile.
Lay and wonder why things end.
Wonder if things are ever the same
When you already know the ending...
How the end always is..
And we know things must end
And the end is...
always.

-aab




10.01.2007

Gestures & Constellations

Caught somewhere in the middle of in-between
Like an autumn leaf – he's so politely disarming.
Have we set fire to bridges with the things we said but didn't mean,
Could a saccharine smile be effectively charming?

In a cub of courtesy coud we feel a little pain together?
'Cause we both know the good in a good mourning
And we both know the sun hides aside perfect weather
If we don't have the eyes to see it…

I question – I've questioned - I'm questioning
Still I wake up wondering why some things never make sense.
Despite countless knee-jerk reactions and distancing
The answers come in the silence.

He carries a familiarity
That hides away iniquity
And runs to write what blows away
When we get lost -
When we don't stay.

He carries a familiarity
That wakes the words inside of me.

Caught somewhere in the middle of in-between,
In the chasms between gestures and constellations
Is a September song blooming a spring time dream
That makes the solitude worth the revelations

Well acquainted with the rhythm in his step
'Cause he walks to a familiar song
That finds me catching count of his heart-beats
Before his eyes close & I fall asleep…

And I question – I've questioned - I'm questioning
But, I found it buried beneath my defense;
Beneath the pretense and the distancing.
The answers come in the silence.

He carries a familiarity,
That wakes the words inside of me..




-a.a.b.


**composure**













This is no war; Only the mad belief that the will of God can be attacked and overthrown.

I've seemed to meet and make my strange alliances on grounds that have no meaning...
I met a mistake - an error in my self-appraisal
& we joined lies in nothingness.
Two are as meaningless as one or one thousand...

But this journeys end is at a Place of Peace.
Illusions cannot triumph over Truth
They battle only with themselves
And The Truth stands quietly

Illusions have no place where love abides -
You never loved me -
You lied.
And my forgiveness sweeps away your sin...

Your light grew dim -
not mine, not mine.
Your altar fell -
not mine, not mine.

Illusion meets Illusion -
Truth; Itself.
And far beyond this senseless sadness -
Love Shines.

...& Still,

I'd never leave you frightened & alone in your temptation,
But help you rise above it & percieve the Light of which you are a part.
I'd help you walk clean, redeemed & happy
Through a world in bitter need of its own redemption..

- For, here is my freedom and my salvation.

-A.A.B.

8.19.2007

paper.airplane.dreams

...In a dream I am wrapped around you - but, still, I stare up in confusion; caught in webs of discomposure; tangled intricacy. Yet even in dreams I know that you're my love. This is simple. My heart melts again & again in your arms. Without caution, yellow words escape from my heart out of my mouth and I'm afraid...


"Are we able to do the things this love requires - willing?'

"Have we lost sight of this - lost?"

"Could we believe, once more, in the love that belonged to only us?"


SILENCE... and I melt again - differently this time - like wax - burning - falling farther from the flame. For an instant, as I stand at the exit stairwell, I look back at you. Your light is consuming as always & your soul exudes a familiar warmth....comfortable.. beautiful. home.. and the thought of your absence leaves me petrified - paralyzed. I love you... I love you, deeply.


As I look into your sullen eyes so as to say goodbye somehow the sorrow that's surrounded us finds the strength to surface & sting... My eyes fill with tears of naivity - tears pour with prayers for powers to clean hearts...clean hearts. Tears fall with prayers for powers to mean forever. Break the make- believe - make right. Tears pray for powers... but i'm drenched in reality.


"Let my love melt the hard spots of your heart. Quietly believe. Love me today - tomorrow - never leave...

Stay with me - Dream with me."


My eyes open - I'm awake & you are all about me. I seem to breathe you, hear you, feel you in me & around me.

& though your body is absent - it could not make my love more real.


*i wish i knew how to undo the knot that's tied inside..

The knot i tied in you .*



8.17.2007

..the way nets cannot hold water

Stories to tell you on the shore of evening, sad & gentle doll...
So that you should not be sad-
But a swan - a tree, something far away & happy
In a ripe & fruitful season.

8.16.2007

an irregular star

...the condition of such a person, though not inconsistent of her being aware of what passes in the world, is an insurmountable bar to her taking any part in it. To extinguish, therefore, an irregular star, that could only peep in occasionally upon a system to which it did not belong; and, in its room, to light up a brilliant planet moving regularly and constantly among its kindred-orbs, may seem to be at least a mechanical improvement but not probable.

(if for any other reason than the want & desire for these necessary pauses - breaks - perhaps, fall outs - It before appeared too long, and in spite of their being now supplied, still appears so, the writer can only lament what is beyond her power to remedy. The fault must be in myself and not in my subject, which, from its variety and extent, is susceptible of every illustration and ornament that poetry can afford it. )



an irregular star may be ill-managed but can hardly be exhausted..

this must be hard to understand for someone so at ease

From sunday night ...

...letter to jeffrey

j:

I saw someone walking down the boardwalk as I had brunch with friends in Venice yesterday. I swore it was you & although it was not, I had to say to myself - that's just his body, it's not him. It's just a reflection of a time that's lost - memories painted as the contours of someone you once would have died for...
And the thought of you & your presence provoked a sound that made it through all the noise - a voice so familiar, but the words were not the same - the sentences were not how they used to be, though still as powerful.

It said "So how do you feel today? How do you feel, as the streets become yours - the streets of a city in which your stories are being written... The streets of a city that now know your smile & your habits, the rhythm in your step, the sparkle in your eye & the beat of your heart more than I do? So what did it feel like - your hand in someone elses hand, the features of your face on someone elses mind, the breath of another as the last sound you'll hear before sleep, as the first you will hear at dawn? What will that feel like? Will it make you feel alive? Will it make you remember me?"
& I begged the shoreline, begged the sky, begged the city for answers to questions my heart couldn't help but wonder.

The loss of you left a terrific scar that will always be a part of me but I also feel the scar you left is one of the greatest blessings I've received. The way in which I've (thus far) learned to love has, largely, been through & because of you. So this is my way of saying Thank You more than anything, but I also want to apologize for any pain that I ever caused you - for any turmoil in your life that was caused by my place in it.

For once, in retrospect jeff, I am able to see your pain. I always saw you as a pillar of strength, someone who was unafraid and unbreakable, and as someone who never hurt. I never saw that you were hurting too and I'm still not quite sure why. Yes, I loved you because you were strong... but I loved you for so much more.

For whatever reason, my mind & heart tend to remember the good in you, the good days with you, the good in all the energy spent alongside you. Still, sometimes all I know to do is sit here and write to you when it seems there are too many feelings left from the days that left us with the little things that kept us trying & trying... That kept me believing. I've yet to love another - my heart wont let me. I know it can't and sometimes pretend to understand why.

So I'm growing comfortable alone because I found that when you left I was left with nothing.. but that was everything. And I'm finding answers in your abscence.


Well, I'm sure that my colors have long faded & my brightness has passed away, but please know that i'll always remember you in a soft & natural light. It is not my intention to find a way to have the words get their meaning back, the sentences their depth, but in time, our voices their warmth. At this point, I understand the fear of burning again - the fear of breaking apart. I know "I'll never really get inside of you to make your eyes catch fire the way they should".. I suppose that's been the most significant difference between you and I. I've always risked it all for the fire - yours.


-a

...songs found in a dream



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Gestures&Contellations

- Caught somewhere in the middle of in-between
Like an autumn leaf – so politely disarming
Setting fire to bridges and the things we said but didn't mean
Is a saccharine smile still effectively charming..

In the cubby of some courtesy – maybe feel a little pain together
'cause we both know the good in good mourning
and we both know the sun hides despite perfect weather
if we don't have the eyes to see it…

and I question – I've questioned.. I'm questioning
- and I wake up wondering why I wore the wrong mense
Despite countless knee jerk reactions and distancing
..the answers come in the silence

he carries a familiarty
that hides away iniquity
and runs to write what blows away
when we get lost - when we don't stay
he carries a familiarity
that wakes the words inside of me

Caught somewhere in the middle of in-between
In the chasms between gestures and constellations
Is a September song blooming a spring time dream
that makes the solitude worth the revelations

Well aquinted with the rhythm in his step
cause he walks to a familiar song
that finds me catching count of heart-beats
before his eyes close & I fall asleep…

and I question – I've questioned.. I'm questioning
but I found it buried beneath the defense
beneath the pretense and the distancing
..the answers come in the silence

..& he carries a familiarity
that wakes the words inside of me..




-a.a.b.

*the heart of a flower*

My heart is heavy and my soul is tired
When all i want tonight is to be in your arms..
Again & again beneath the endless stars..

How could one not love your great, still eyes?
How could one not long to be good to you - for you?

Tonight, all I hear is the sky - immense
Still more immense without you...

& your fickle hollow words fall from my soul but,
tonight I won't write the saddest lines..

I've stories to tell you on the shore of evening, soft & gentle doll...
So that you should never be sad-
But a swan - a tree, something far away & happy
In a ripe & fruitful season.

I can live in a harbor from which I will always care for you...
In solitude crossed with dreams & with silence
Penned up between the sea & sadness
Soundless.


Between the lips & the voice of something of something thats dying or
never will..
The way nets cannot hold water..


Only few things are left trembling
but even so something sings in my words
Somethings climbs to my starving mouth
Oh, to be able to celebrate with you with all the words of joy.

What comes over you?
to close yours
to close mine
to close the heart of a flower.

xo

... -a

6.27.2007

This Twilight Garden

you're nothing
but a super falling star
nothing
but the only star.

this twilight garden