...letter to jeffrey

j:

I saw someone walking down the boardwalk as I had brunch with friends in Venice yesterday. I swore it was you & although it was not, I had to say to myself - that's just his body, it's not him. It's just a reflection of a time that's lost - memories painted as the contours of someone you once would have died for...
And the thought of you & your presence provoked a sound that made it through all the noise - a voice so familiar, but the words were not the same - the sentences were not how they used to be, though still as powerful.

It said "So how do you feel today? How do you feel, as the streets become yours - the streets of a city in which your stories are being written... The streets of a city that now know your smile & your habits, the rhythm in your step, the sparkle in your eye & the beat of your heart more than I do? So what did it feel like - your hand in someone elses hand, the features of your face on someone elses mind, the breath of another as the last sound you'll hear before sleep, as the first you will hear at dawn? What will that feel like? Will it make you feel alive? Will it make you remember me?"
& I begged the shoreline, begged the sky, begged the city for answers to questions my heart couldn't help but wonder.

The loss of you left a terrific scar that will always be a part of me but I also feel the scar you left is one of the greatest blessings I've received. The way in which I've (thus far) learned to love has, largely, been through & because of you. So this is my way of saying Thank You more than anything, but I also want to apologize for any pain that I ever caused you - for any turmoil in your life that was caused by my place in it.

For once, in retrospect jeff, I am able to see your pain. I always saw you as a pillar of strength, someone who was unafraid and unbreakable, and as someone who never hurt. I never saw that you were hurting too and I'm still not quite sure why. Yes, I loved you because you were strong... but I loved you for so much more.

For whatever reason, my mind & heart tend to remember the good in you, the good days with you, the good in all the energy spent alongside you. Still, sometimes all I know to do is sit here and write to you when it seems there are too many feelings left from the days that left us with the little things that kept us trying & trying... That kept me believing. I've yet to love another - my heart wont let me. I know it can't and sometimes pretend to understand why.

So I'm growing comfortable alone because I found that when you left I was left with nothing.. but that was everything. And I'm finding answers in your abscence.


Well, I'm sure that my colors have long faded & my brightness has passed away, but please know that i'll always remember you in a soft & natural light. It is not my intention to find a way to have the words get their meaning back, the sentences their depth, but in time, our voices their warmth. At this point, I understand the fear of burning again - the fear of breaking apart. I know "I'll never really get inside of you to make your eyes catch fire the way they should".. I suppose that's been the most significant difference between you and I. I've always risked it all for the fire - yours.


-a