8.16.2007

an irregular star

...the condition of such a person, though not inconsistent of her being aware of what passes in the world, is an insurmountable bar to her taking any part in it. To extinguish, therefore, an irregular star, that could only peep in occasionally upon a system to which it did not belong; and, in its room, to light up a brilliant planet moving regularly and constantly among its kindred-orbs, may seem to be at least a mechanical improvement but not probable.

(if for any other reason than the want & desire for these necessary pauses - breaks - perhaps, fall outs - It before appeared too long, and in spite of their being now supplied, still appears so, the writer can only lament what is beyond her power to remedy. The fault must be in myself and not in my subject, which, from its variety and extent, is susceptible of every illustration and ornament that poetry can afford it. )



an irregular star may be ill-managed but can hardly be exhausted..

this must be hard to understand for someone so at ease

From sunday night ...

...letter to jeffrey

j:

I saw someone walking down the boardwalk as I had brunch with friends in Venice yesterday. I swore it was you & although it was not, I had to say to myself - that's just his body, it's not him. It's just a reflection of a time that's lost - memories painted as the contours of someone you once would have died for...
And the thought of you & your presence provoked a sound that made it through all the noise - a voice so familiar, but the words were not the same - the sentences were not how they used to be, though still as powerful.

It said "So how do you feel today? How do you feel, as the streets become yours - the streets of a city in which your stories are being written... The streets of a city that now know your smile & your habits, the rhythm in your step, the sparkle in your eye & the beat of your heart more than I do? So what did it feel like - your hand in someone elses hand, the features of your face on someone elses mind, the breath of another as the last sound you'll hear before sleep, as the first you will hear at dawn? What will that feel like? Will it make you feel alive? Will it make you remember me?"
& I begged the shoreline, begged the sky, begged the city for answers to questions my heart couldn't help but wonder.

The loss of you left a terrific scar that will always be a part of me but I also feel the scar you left is one of the greatest blessings I've received. The way in which I've (thus far) learned to love has, largely, been through & because of you. So this is my way of saying Thank You more than anything, but I also want to apologize for any pain that I ever caused you - for any turmoil in your life that was caused by my place in it.

For once, in retrospect jeff, I am able to see your pain. I always saw you as a pillar of strength, someone who was unafraid and unbreakable, and as someone who never hurt. I never saw that you were hurting too and I'm still not quite sure why. Yes, I loved you because you were strong... but I loved you for so much more.

For whatever reason, my mind & heart tend to remember the good in you, the good days with you, the good in all the energy spent alongside you. Still, sometimes all I know to do is sit here and write to you when it seems there are too many feelings left from the days that left us with the little things that kept us trying & trying... That kept me believing. I've yet to love another - my heart wont let me. I know it can't and sometimes pretend to understand why.

So I'm growing comfortable alone because I found that when you left I was left with nothing.. but that was everything. And I'm finding answers in your abscence.


Well, I'm sure that my colors have long faded & my brightness has passed away, but please know that i'll always remember you in a soft & natural light. It is not my intention to find a way to have the words get their meaning back, the sentences their depth, but in time, our voices their warmth. At this point, I understand the fear of burning again - the fear of breaking apart. I know "I'll never really get inside of you to make your eyes catch fire the way they should".. I suppose that's been the most significant difference between you and I. I've always risked it all for the fire - yours.


-a

...songs found in a dream



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Gestures&Contellations

- Caught somewhere in the middle of in-between
Like an autumn leaf – so politely disarming
Setting fire to bridges and the things we said but didn't mean
Is a saccharine smile still effectively charming..

In the cubby of some courtesy – maybe feel a little pain together
'cause we both know the good in good mourning
and we both know the sun hides despite perfect weather
if we don't have the eyes to see it…

and I question – I've questioned.. I'm questioning
- and I wake up wondering why I wore the wrong mense
Despite countless knee jerk reactions and distancing
..the answers come in the silence

he carries a familiarty
that hides away iniquity
and runs to write what blows away
when we get lost - when we don't stay
he carries a familiarity
that wakes the words inside of me

Caught somewhere in the middle of in-between
In the chasms between gestures and constellations
Is a September song blooming a spring time dream
that makes the solitude worth the revelations

Well aquinted with the rhythm in his step
cause he walks to a familiar song
that finds me catching count of heart-beats
before his eyes close & I fall asleep…

and I question – I've questioned.. I'm questioning
but I found it buried beneath the defense
beneath the pretense and the distancing
..the answers come in the silence

..& he carries a familiarity
that wakes the words inside of me..




-a.a.b.

*the heart of a flower*

My heart is heavy and my soul is tired
When all i want tonight is to be in your arms..
Again & again beneath the endless stars..

How could one not love your great, still eyes?
How could one not long to be good to you - for you?

Tonight, all I hear is the sky - immense
Still more immense without you...

& your fickle hollow words fall from my soul but,
tonight I won't write the saddest lines..

I've stories to tell you on the shore of evening, soft & gentle doll...
So that you should never be sad-
But a swan - a tree, something far away & happy
In a ripe & fruitful season.

I can live in a harbor from which I will always care for you...
In solitude crossed with dreams & with silence
Penned up between the sea & sadness
Soundless.


Between the lips & the voice of something of something thats dying or
never will..
The way nets cannot hold water..


Only few things are left trembling
but even so something sings in my words
Somethings climbs to my starving mouth
Oh, to be able to celebrate with you with all the words of joy.

What comes over you?
to close yours
to close mine
to close the heart of a flower.

xo

... -a